where are we

I don't know where we are
The GPS doesn't work
And I don't get cell phone reception here
And we're bears

Oh Henry!

Is not a good candy bar

Urrrgggghh

I can't unzip my head
There's a large metal rod caught in the zipper
The metal rod is made of Angels
Full of spite
How I hate the Protestants

iTunes 9.0

People above me make noise
Unpleasant noise
Like they are separating Nitrogen from Boron
The death comes quickly

Post Post Post

There was no post yesterday
It was not missed
Soon young Skywalker will be one of us
A Freemason

Scamps

Run little hobos
Eat the bread
Shove it in your mouths
Soon you will be dead

Frank

Frank frank frank
Sounds like a tuba
Frank Frank Frank
Looks like a scuba
Tank Tank Tank
Tank Tank Tank
Tank

Awesome

Dude that wave was totally killer
I mean bra shit, I totally saw your nuts
It was like a nut factory
Hey let's go to Structure and pick up some shirts

Alys Mae

Has a very nice smile
Collecting scones
Moon pie pilot girl
Crash into chocolate

Shoot

Bip bip bip
my little ship
bip bip bip
bam boom balam bam boop

So

You think that you are clever huh
I am not, certainly
Squirrels

Time For Work

Compound fracture
Time for work
Need to get there on time
Don't want to be unemployed
Again
Having to kill for money
I am just kidding
Or am I
Am I
Am I
Am I

Looodedoo

Ladedum
Doo doo doo
Dum dum dum
Sears is closed forever

9/21/2009

This date is a palindrome
No it isn't
It's a lapinromed.
Go get the stick boy
Go get it.

Communism

Communism
It's kind of a good idea
Where everyone shares
But a problem in that
Someone has to decide who shares what
and that person is way more powerful than everyone else
So they get more pie

Capitalism

It's kind of a good idea
Where everyone can get wealthy
Except it leads to people only caring about money
And killing others to get more

Sorry about that

It is Sunday
The Lord's Day
This is the day the Lord wants you to kill a Yak, Jacob
"It shall be done," says Ted.
"My name is not Jacob."
Sorry about that.

Saturday Night

Time to go party
Unless you are unemployed
And broke
In which case you sit at home
Trying to load your gun

The Start

Now is the winter of our discontent
It was a dark and stormy night
Call me Ishmael
I like big butts and I cannot lie

Glenn Beck

OBAMA SOCIALIST
AREEINGKNKL
GARRRRTGGGHHHH
MEMKKOOOORRRRGGGHHH

Laid Off

Stop writing poetry my dear I got fired today
Lots of owls fly from the brush
They swoop down on the unemployed
Run pigeons, run
Oh so many lemons squirted into the eyes of babies
My father is going insane

Beatles Rockband

Where is the fish
Where is the walrus
The walrus ate the fish
The walrus ate John

Football

The world is coming to an end
Flowers are chirping
Everywhere there are pieces burning
Where is the spish?
It is blowing with the wind
Aaaaaaaahh
Something isn't right
It smells like burnt popcorn
All the world at mercy

17

17
18
19
20
Liftoff
Brrrrrrrffffffffggggggggggnnnnnnt
The man farts into space
Everyone with a gas mask is happy

Jets

Jets Jets Jets
They are fast
Get one now before
Crash
Crash crash crash
Leprechauns
They are so small

U.S.S. Relationship Tragedy

Oh no
My girlfriend hung herself
As did I
When we both had a hanging contest
I told her I would win
By dying first
Loser gets to solve why we as humans developed altruism

Improv

I need a suggestion for a place to be, not a named place, a non-geographical location, no not anywhere in the United States, or Africa, or Europe or Asia or South America, only on the island of Tasmania, in the one part of the island where no plants live and no animals live and no human has ever seen ever. Somewhere in there. Anyone?

Elemental

Hydrogen
Oxygen
Beryllium
Aluminum
They all can be found in this box of Cap'n Crunch
Part of a complete breakfast

How Many Times

How many times
Must I tell you
Never to play with the Gods
They've ripped your arms off
(gnaw, gnaw)

The Prophecy

There's an unsettling
All over the land
Rustle, Rustle

Swayze

Swayze
Was a man
With a giant sack of potatoes
When he dropped the sack of potatoes
There was a large thud
The sound of it was a like a thud
With cruchy nacho flavor
There is a cat in my blanket
Filled with mice

Yipee

I just found a ten dollar bill
I'm gonna go spend it on a brand new shoe
Which I will cook and eat
I am a hobo

Gzlkwp

Planes fly
Butter congeals
Heads explode
Manga depreciates in value
Celery turns into wine
Oranges turn prune
Micronesian grute bears
Halpenstance more kettle
Perpipi sunt torg
Opilonit slopi murmpopinonopiopnoil
Slearpknselksnewkel Jgkelskuuionlllkioskytwsk gvnbmx mrg

Greatness

Why do you care so much
If I live or die
What needs to happen with me and you
Is what happens between me and you
The lies hide all
The fire consumes
Everyone can send in fifty UPCs to get a swell hat.

Shaft

There are many ways
You can fall asleep
And miss all your free time
And wake up in time for work
Fuck

Just Shove it Under The Porch

Lavender and orange
That's the color of children
After their bodies are found
(pop culture reference)

Hambone

Have you not heard of the hambone?
It involves ham and a bone.
There are fifty men on fire daily.
All will be sacrificed to Jesus
Jesus demands tribute

Sleeeeeeeep

Sleepy kitty
Sleepy doggy
Sleepy human head hits keyboard
Robots go nuts, start throwing car doors everywhere
Oh no
No No No
Someone is getting fired
back to sleep

I hate today
I bet something else happened on this day
Which was horrible
That we all forgot

Give Me Some Puke

Oh no, I drank too much
Now I will puke
On The Road
Literary reference
Puke in my book at a coffee shop
Now I puke in the coffee
Get my MacBook back in the case

Happy to be of Slivers

Sometimes the British in me comes out
and says to myself
WHY ARE ALL THE IRISH RUNNING FREE
GET YOUR NETS

Uvuuuuuula

Why is it
Every time I step through a paper sign that reads "Fish Blafs!"
I end up on a football field
Filled with the souls of the damned
Buried up to their eyebrows
There's no justice I tells ya
I can't find my car keys in any one of those heads
The brains are all mushy and filled with chocolate damnation
Satan, stop turning into a Power Rangers episode
And get my shoes back on my feet
Fucker

Glippergubudspbt

Dun dun dun
Dun dun dun
Dun dun dun dun dun dun
Dun dun dun dun dun
Dun dun dun
Dun dun dun dun
Dun dun dun dun dun

Stop making donuts.

Platform Shoots

Slow motion
Falling kittens
One of them pulls an extra electron off a helium atom
Makes a radioactive isotope
That causes a man in Vancouver
To crave a pie made out of clowns
And stabs a clown
Which makes the gravitational constant of the universe go up a whole decimal point
and everything is crushed into fine cumin powder
Which Space Jesus uses in his Space Tomato Soup
Quantum physics makes this possible

Important Info

Hey,
Sega Dreamcast was released ten years ago today
If you know this like I do
You probably haven't been laid in a while

Run For Your Lives

There's a computer
Inside my left eyebrow
Right beneath the surface
When you put a quarter
In my right eyelid
It erases all my memories
And replaces them with Iron Maiden song lyrics
Run to the Hills

Boner

There once was a man who had a boner for a thousand years
Once he ran into a vagina with it and it exploded
The world ends in 2013
Not 2012
The Mayan calendar does not count boners

9 eight 9

Nine eight nine!
Oh yeah!
Unless you are not in the U.S.A.
In which case it will be Eight Nine Nine
Which is less lyrical
But makes more sense to put the day, then month, then year
Also, there's music to this
But I can't write music
Or play music
So it is stuck in my head
Not very good communication skills

Life in the Time of Lucrative Writing Contracts

Spec Script Spec Script
Will you be get me in the door
Spec Script Spec Script
Will you be thrown on an agent's floor
Spec Script Spec Script
I can't quite get the barrel of the shotgun in my mouth
Spec Script Spec Script
I love L.A.!
We love it.

(sound of head exploding over sound of man cashing enormous check)

There will be slap pappity pam

I am going to drink your milkshake
Splam splatidy doo
Now I am going to eat your sandwich
Chomp chompity choo
I am now going to brush my teeth
Brush brushity broo

Quotes in the wrong places

"How" many times have I told "you"
Not to put beans "in" the "washing" machine
"It is not a" giant kettle
It is "for" washing
"Stupid" Physicist Parrot.

I love you

Dappled with rosy sunlight
The face of my lover rises anew
In the twilight of our years
The earth will claim all our memories
Geico can save a lot on car insurance

Go to work

Go to work
go to work
go to work
THE TRAIN DERAILED
RUN THERE'S HOT FUDGE EVERYWHERE
GET ON THE BOATS MADE OF IMAGINATION
GET TO THE LAND OF DAIRY QUEEN
THEY'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT BUT IT'S A CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY WHERE THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL ARE SERIOUSLY CURTAILED

There is chocolate.

Krick

There's a crick in my girlfriend's neck

I have to fix it

Making a guess how my hands should move

Oops

We broke up

Get it

Saved By The Bell

Bell
Humm humm hummm words words words
Something maybe about getting up late
High school and kids and stuff
Lots of flying triangles and wavy things
Hair hair hair
It's all right because I'm saved by the bell
I hated this show
Weevils.

Why is this happening

. . .
Top 40 tunes!
- - -
All the greatest hits!
| | |
SUBMIT YOUR CHILDREN TO SATAN
' ' '
and now traffic!

How I hate you

Where is your pants
I don't know
Give me a spatula
I need to remove my pants
There are no pants to remove
We are both nude
Here comes da judge

Love in the Time of a Giant Ant Attack

God grrilt grrukn
Shloop slplurknkl
Flarrbbrion gorkle
Spoooooosh spop
Flapschrssszz
Ouugggghhhhhhhhhh

On the Road with the Beatles

"Hey Paul, why don't you pass me another one of those radiators."

"Yeah Paul, quit hogging the radiator."

Ssssssssssss

"I think Paul died on the radiator."

"I like beer."

FOR THE WIN

The supermodel smashes her hand through the glass
The Constitution is destroyed
The prophecy is fulfilled gloriously
Just in time for his birthday
"I am El Jefe," he says.

Twitter Feed

NO IT IS HUNGRY FOR HUMAN FLESH DON'T GET NEAR IT, IT'S EATING ALL OF THE CHILDREN! IT IS EATING ALL THE CHILDREN! WHAT TIME IS IT I AM NOT SURE IF I SET MY TIVO TO RECORD THE FULL HOUSE MARATHON ON BRAVO

Irish

Oh faith and begorah
a loopidee doo doo doo
ladee dah dah dah
deke deke deke
shoot score
the Canadiens are up by two.

Bondage Bear

I think I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree
Hey stop
Don't put that there
Grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt

Hello English Major

I do not know how it is interpreted when one says "I would like to take a vase and put it into another vase and then put that inside of a rhino and put that rhino into a vase that will go off into space and make it into lace and the move at a snail's pace into avocado."

The correct answer is nipple.

Fartblank

"Call for backup!"
"There's too many chili dogs inside the explosives!"
"There's not enough time to get the cheese inside my hands!"
(fold fold fold)
"Heroin is for winners! Where's our heroin?"
"There's not enough time to put the thing inside the flap with bugs everywhere and there are a bunch of things in small containers inside a benzine ring layered with the Duke of York and father hair el kabong."
(plane slams into the wedding cake)

Ah Boom Boom Boom

Cougars
Cougars cougars cougars cougars
They leap from the brush all naked with hairspray

Yellowjacket

"Ah fuck the shit fuck."
Beer spills everywhere
Fat hairy man hits the playground swings with a thud
The Archangel Gabriel grunts!
"All is lost in my pants."
It is the taste adults have grown to love
It is great.
"Giant sperm whistle."

Our Princess is in Another Castle

. . .

There's Blood Everywhere

Vaginas explode like Buicks
There's never been a better time to buy
I can never close these blinds
SATCHAMO!

Murkloria

Plod plod plod
"Ah shit, my balls are burning!"
"Nooooooo!"
There's a delicious bag of Doritos waiting for you in the safe.
(lots of scratching sounds)